did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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