im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
