do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
