Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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