That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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