I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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