I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
