the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
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