her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
You took a bar mat shot.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Randomize
