he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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