why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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