What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
