My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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