Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
