I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
