tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
