i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Sext me about skeletons
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
