I wanna bring you to show and tell
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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