I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
