so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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