Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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