Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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