I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
