you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
love makes seman taste better
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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