i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I think pants incapable of making pants work
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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