My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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