Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
