I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
