I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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