I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
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