i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
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