It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
