if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I just googled if crying burns calories
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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