Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
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