i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
