Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
