I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
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she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
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Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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