Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
