my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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