i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
