Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
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