so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
