I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
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When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize