loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor