they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
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they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
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Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
This is classic penis vs brain.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.