i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
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I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
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The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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