she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.