All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.