He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
