Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
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