I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
