Are we in a gay sports bar?
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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