new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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