i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
