my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
