Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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